Today's word is "characters." If you want to meet colourful people, go to court. There's a special court for mental health cases, but you've gotta be totally barking mad to qualify. So far, three memorable people have missed the cut for mental health court (MHC). First is a woman who was talked out of jumping off a bridge, but while remanded to custody she's apparently had problems keeping her clothes on and playing nicely with the other inmates. Word is there may also be some self-harm issues at play, as she turned up in restraints and a hockey helmet the other day. She's reportedly all kinds of crazy, but not loopy enough for MHC.
Another person inexplicably missed the MHC cut. He worked his entire life as a city park gardener, with very high commendations. Unfortunately for him, he has since retired and has nothing else to do with his time but pick fights with his neighbour and cut his own grass, with scissors. Yes, scissors. As in, by hand, the entire yard. Buddy's the kind of guy who doesn't believe in changing his clothes, let alone washing them, and he's got a big, bushy, unkempt beard that seems like he's deliberately perpetuating a stereotype. Other than literally yelling at kids, utility meter readers, and pedestrians to stay off his lawn, he's taken to threatening them, and his neighbour, and his neighbour's yard workers. Pretty much all the police know this guy, or at least have heard of him. He's the one who threw a bucket of urine on a guy powerwashing the fence from the neighbour's side. He's made threats and accusations and generally terrified the neighbour (and her workers) enough to make contractors reluctant to show up, and the neighbour's trying to sell her place. So. Whackjob shows up in court to answer these charges, and given his record is released on very high bail and required to live away from home, with his sister and brother-in-law, on conditions to stay away from the neighbour and his own house. When asked by the Crown if he'd cooperate, he said "sure, if it's logical or reasonable, or if the condition makes sense." Well, can you guess who ultimately made that decision? He of course didn't have the money, so his sister and brother-in-law put up the pledge (we call them "sureties" when that happens), and they ultimately had a blazing row with the guy who was freaking out about not being able to tend his yard and protect his house. So, after this character showed up and set a trial date, his sureties came in and "rendered," or in other words told the judge that they quit and don't want to be his jailors in the community any more. When that happens, the accused has to find another surety to avoid jail, and is locked up in the meantime. Well, a warrant was issued and there were some nervous people awaiting news of his arrest, given how agitated and uncontrollable he was. Suffice to say he wound up cussing out and chasing his lawyer down the street before getting arrested. He is the prototypical crotchety old man, and much as him wanting to be left alone is ok and understandable, his inability to stay on his own yard and not attack his neighbour is intolerable - even though he's in his 60s, he's dangerous. But somehow not crazy enough for MHC!
One person who barely missed the MHC cut is a short, pudgy woman who looks harmless enough, but looooves fire. Most of the time she's normal and healthy, but one day she sent a letter to the Crown office telling how she watches the buildings burn, hoping to see people run out on fire, and that she's going to keep torching places until she gets that outcome. Now, this is another Dangerous Offender hearing, which could lead to indefinite prison, but she's more likely to get a Long Term Offender order, which means prison followed by prolonged supervision. The entire two days I spent (of the 2 weeks set aside for her) in court I kept thinking of the following exchange from the last episode of Firefly:
Jubal Early: You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport. Yet by far the most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?
Dr. Simon Tam: What'd he do?
Jubal Early: Who?
Dr. Simon Tam: The midget.
Jubal Early: Arson. The little man loved fire.
The last character for today isn't crazy, he's just dangerous. Apparently there's 2 well-known crime families in Halifax, and the eldest son of one of them is in custody on charges of kidnapping, prohibited weapons offences, assault, threats, breaches of release conditions, and so forth. As if that's not enough, there's a hit out on him by the Hell's Angels. He's been attacked in prison and doesn't really feel safe anywhere. When the sheriffs told me he'd be in court, they added a warning to not provoke him in any way or look at him wrong, and to watch out for unpredictable behaviour. Despite courthouse security, the Crown I was with that day said bullets might flying around this guy, and to be watchful. He wound up pleading guilty to a minor assault and postponed his sentencing (for some odd reason) and got out of the courtroom quickly, much to everyone's relief. He's almost 29, but it's unlikely he'll see his 30th birthday. BC people might accurately compare him to Jamie Bacon - one reason I like the Maritimes is the much lower profile of organised crime. Sad to say it's apparently inescapable.
I'll stop it here for now. There's other characters and bizarre charges I've seen, not all of them suitable for publication here. There's two key phrases that keep coming up - "it is what it is" reflecting the relentless pragmatism of the lawyers, and "you just can't make this $#!+ up!" as heard from sheriffs, lawyers, and incredulous bystanders when certain details come out. I'm sure there's a drinking game somewhere about this, but so far I haven't found it.
Until next time,
A.
PS - There's apparently another character I have to add to this - my newborn nephew, Silas Benjamin Martens! And, in the tradition of proud lawyers with expanding families, here's photo #1 in my Exhibit A:
